quarterly update: HANG UP AND DRIVE

So I'm riding my bike to work yesterday.

I hit the button for the crosswalk lights on Baseline. Colorado state law mandates all traffic must stop for pedestrians in the crosswalk when lights are flashing. I don't like to hold up rush-hour traffic for very long, so when I see the left and right lanes of the 3 eastbound traffic lanes stop, I start pedaling as hard as I can.

Luckily, I am a slow biker. A woman flew through the middle lane going 30-35 mph, talking on her cellphone. I had to swerve right and brake as hard as I can, and I still only missed her by a matter of inches. I doubt she was ever aware of my existence.

Consequently, I feel I have no choice but to put to paper these suggestions for motorists and pedestrians in Boulder.

1) HANG THE FUCK UP AND DRIVE. I am going to die young, and it is going to be by the hands of a young woman talking on her cellphone, violating traffic laws and striking me or my vehicle at comparatively high speed. I swear they're hunting me down.

2) Don't like bikes on your sidewalks? STOP FUCKING WALKING IN BIKE LANES. Multi-use paths in Boulder have clearly marked bike lanes and walking lanes. When you and your six friends decide you can't stand to walk behind one another, it makes it nigh impossible for me to pass you. When you are making out with your wife in the middle of the bike lane, it makes it difficult for me to pass you. When you are talking on your phone, walking into oncoming bike traffic, and shoot ME a dirty look when I ring my bell at you, it makes me want to ride my bike 15mph all over your campus sidewalks.

3) LISTEN. I see you people with your headphones. I wear them when I'm riding sometimes, even though I know it's illegal. I give you a wide berth because I assume you cannot hear me when I ring my bell 15 times.

If, however, you are NOT wearing headphones.... FUCKING PAY ATTENTION. That ringing sound is me alerting you to my presence. Gather your group on one side of the street or the other. I always assumed proper etiquette was, upon hearing a bell ring, to look behind you and basically hold still until the biker passed. Apparently this is wrong, for pedestrian groups in Boulder immediately scatter to cover all available pavement when they hear a bike bell. I know I probably startled you, but think about how scared you'd be if I flew by you without any kind of warning, or crashed into you when you made a sudden move into my path. Take a second and LOOK THE FUCK AROUND BEFORE DECIDING WHERE TO GO. I nearly had a head-on crash with another biker going ~20mph down University Hill last week because two shitbags couldn't figure out that the walking lane was on the RIGHT and the bike lanes were on the LEFT, and my insistent bell-ringing only confused them more.

Also, to the group of eight people at the bottom of Uni Hill that ignored my bell-ringing even as I was passing them... thanks. It's good to see that you're not so full of yourselves that you can pay attention to potentially dangerous situations as they occur around you.

Also, to all the walkers who pull their friends aside as I roll past, all the motorists that give me a wide berth when I'm riding alongside them in the bike lane, and to all the bikers who faithfully hand-signal, ring their bells, and use their lights at night.... THANK YOU. Boulder's bike trails are incredibly expansive and absolutely fucking amazing, and I love being able to ride them around our beautiful city. You people are what keep me from a murderous rampage.